Before we get to it, I’m thrilled to share that Robyn asked me to contribute another article to their incredible platform about Navigating Sex & Parenthood. I am proud to be a part of their community supporting the crap out of parents through their entire journey.
Moth·er
A female parent
Source; Origin
Maternal tenderness or affection
There are a lot of definitions of mother floating around. And depending on the conversation, the context, the goal, different meanings apply.
I am Everett’s mother and soon I will also be the mother of his baby brother. I will be the female parent, the source of maternal tenderness and affection, and I will be their source. I am their origin. They began in and with me.
I thought I would try to come up with a short, succinct, original definition of my own, and maybe one day I will, but not today. Today I’m focusing more on the idea of mother as source, origin.
As adults, our relationships with our parents shift and change. Or maybe sometimes they don’t and we need them to. We can dive into that more another day, but regardless of if or how your family evolves we all really need that source, origin, mother connection. At least, I know I do.
And I know my friend and fellow Skidmore College graduate Dana Black feels the same way. Which is why I asked her to be on the podcast with me this week. Because as I get closer to welcoming my second baby to our home, I’m facing the very real reality that my mom isn’t available for what I need. And she hasn’t been for a while which is actually a large piece of grief puzzle from Everett’s birth that I wasn’t really able to face or name until now. When the reality became undeniable.
Dana lost her mother years before her mother passed away and is no stranger to this feeling of facing life’s transitions and milestones without a mother even when her mother was alive. Dana is also the host of the incredible podcast I Swear On My Mother’s Grave, a show less about death and more about the experience of being someone’s daughter/child. She is also hosting an incredible retreat in June for women grieving the loss of their mother whether to death or estrangement.
I originally reached out to Dana to be a guest on HER show. I think I knew I was getting closer to being ready to speak more directly and openly about my relationship with my mom, but also needed someone to hold my hand. I wasn’t ready to jump into a solo episode and just sort of emotionally vomit on you. You’re welcome for that. So instead, Dana joins me here, holds my hand, and helps me find both the depth and the levity in what I had, what I still have, and what I miss the most of having a clear connection to MY source. MY origin. MY mother
I may be writing in circles, maybe this is confusing, and that’s because I’m a bit confused and find myself spinning in circles trying to find my center. And while I know I have a lot to discover, uncover, understand about all of this, I am also taking this opportunity to mother myself. To find connection to my center, my source and origin that is my own. Distinct from my mother. It doesn’t replace what I’m missing, but it is the tether that I have. And the tether that will guide me as I face the next big transition coming my way.
You can listen to our conversation here and please know that this is by far the most vulnerable episode I have shared and I feel very tender about it. I also 100% understand if there are experiences in your life that make NOT listening the most supportive option for you right now.
Dana asked me a really powerful question in our conversation. She asked me how I’m mothering myself right now and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Especially since we are having so many conversations about reparenting ourselves as adults and maybe parents ourselves, it feels like a really powerful idea.
How are YOU mothering yourself right now?
Here are some things I am doing to mother myself right now.
Because of dance, I had a FULL schedule as a kid. I hated missing class. AND when I was too tired, when I needed a break, when I was sick my mom would make me miss class. I’d fight it and she would keep her foot down and insist that I take the time I needed to rest. I am currently making myself take more time to rest. I’m also fighting myself about it, and I am also insisting on it.
I am delegating. I’m asking Jeremy for more help. I’m asking my incredible mother in law for more support. I’m hiring a baby nurse. I’m getting massages. I’m leaning on my 4am friends more. I’m creating a mothering cocoon around myself.
I’m allowing myself space to grieve and give myself/receive comfort.
Those are just a few things and if you want to borrow some of them, go ahead! And if you have other things you do, please comment and share so someone else (me probably) can try them on for size.
It takes a village.
Xo, Alissa
ps. If this topic is interesting to you, check out this episode of the podcast: You Don’t Have To Be A Mom To Be A Mother with Rebecca Clark. Rebecca is a postpartum doula and an incredible massage therapist. I saw her last week as a birthday present to myself! Learn more about Fancy Hands Massage here.