With a thousand sweet kisses
We haven’t had an email soundtrack for a while and this one emerged so I’m including it! Also, who doesn’t LOVE Rent and have the entire TWO DISC soundtrack completely memorized anyway? I know I do.
A year ago I wrote about not wanting something to be true and it being true anyway. The truth doesn’t mess with your reaction to it, it keeps on truthing regardless.
If you’re new here Walter Alter is (was I guess?) my first born son, a black a white French Bulldog who was truly the cutiest cutie baby and one of my soul mates. Walter ushered me through my first marriage, my divorce, dating, meeting Jeremy, getting married again, and becoming a mother for the first time. A year ago I made the impossible decision to euthanize him and end his suffering. I miss him every day.
Jeremy and I talked about having another baby and the potential of buying a house, but knew it wasn’t something we could do with an elderly, incontinent dog (please don’t tell Walter Baby I called him that) who couldn’t do stairs. I believe that Walter left when he did to make space for Cam because I got pregnant the month after Walter died.
Walter knew that his mission was complete. He came into my life when I needed him and escorted me to the life I didn’t know I could dream of. He did it. We did it. As he quietly, peacefully died in my arms, I covered his face in kisses telling him he did a great job. He did a really great job.
It’s now a year later. Cameron is here and Walter is not. And I didn’t realize until right now as I write this that how I said goodbye to Walter, covering his face with kisses, is EXACTLY how I greeted Cameron. By covering his face with kisses.*
* please note: I am fully sobbing right now.
While not super religious anymore, I often look to Jewish customs when going through hard times. And in my research about Yahrzeits (death anniversaries) and the Hebrew date of Walter’s death I uncovered a few interesting things.
Walters Yahrzeit is the 15th day of the month of Av.
The month of Av means father and it’s customary to add the Hebrew word “menachum” which means to comfort or console.
The 15th day of Av is actually a holiday. Sort of like Jewish Valentine’s Day. It also signifies rebirth after destruction. A day of new beginnings.
How fucking beautiful is that? It all feels like a gift from Walter who I KNOW is watching over me – and not just because I have a stone made from his ashes on my nightstand.
And you know I love to make connections and find purpose in both the mundane and shitty things that happen which is maybe why you’re here! I’m not going to try to make this super poetic because I’m not a poet and I’ll try to be clear and brief.
Walter knew I wanted another baby and he knew that Jeremy, Everett, and I were ready to step into this next chapter of life together. He knew his job was done and so made it clear that it was time to go. I honored that so he sent me my baby. Someone to bring me comfort and a new beginning.
A new love whose face I can cover with kisses.