Why I want to grow up to be Everett
Two examples of what my three year old is teaching me about being a good human.
So we moved last week and WOW! I am 16 weeks pregnant and this move has made it abundantly clear that I DO NOT have as much energy available as I used to. I know a lot of my energy is being used making eyelashes and taste buds, but moving with a three year old make is undeniably clear how little energy I have available for anything outside of growing a new human. And when the energy tank gets to zero, it’s a HARD stop. A cranky….fine…and angry hard stop.
I’m not used to running out of energy. I’m not used to running out of steam. I have been described as energetic my entire life. It’s part of who I am. And yes, that can still be true about me, and it’s not true right now.
I have no choice but to face the music that my energy is limited. I can fight it and keep running to zero, getting angry and having adult tantrums, OR I can surrender to this fact, be gentle with myself, cut myself some fucking slack, and as for help.
And while I dragged my feet about it, which I will talk about more below how a tet a tet with Everett made me reevaluate my approach, I am waving the white flag. I’m crying uncle. I’m throwing in the towel of being Superwoman.
I’m in a new home, a new state, a new county, a new life and so I’m trying a new approach. I’m not going to criticize the past versions of me who put her head down, plowed forward, dissociated, and got shit done. I’m going to thank her for doing what she needed to do to get me right here, right now, so I can make another decision that feels like a better fit for this version of me in this life.
I’ve spoken a lot, probably not enough, about how loving Jeremy helped heal so much of my pain from my first marriage and divorce and really from my history with men. Something I am just starting to see is how much Everett, and being his mom, is healing me too.
So Monday was his first day at a new school, but this all started Saturday morning…
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