Since announcing my pregnancy with Baby #2 I have received so many kind, loving, compassionate, and considerate messages of support and congratulations. I cannot tell you what a freaking dream it is to feel so seen by you.
And I got a lot of messages inquiring as to how I knew I was ready. From people who also had traumatic births, who are scared to walk back into the fire, and who know how much I struggled and here I am, teeming with child.
So I made a podcast episode about it! LISTEN TO THE EPISODE HERE!
Something you may not know about me is that part of the reason I ended my first marriage is because I could not see myself having children with him. 1) It would have meant having sex which wasn’t really happening, learn more about that here and 2) I couldn't bring a baby into what had become a toxic, abusive, manipulative environment.
You know I’m all about transparency here so I want to be explicit that the environment I just described was not created solely by the hands of my ex. I did it too. We co created something we needed to get out of.
Anyway, among other things, a bit part of why I had the conviction and confidence to leave the marriage was on behalf of my future, theoretical children. Because I knew I wanted to have a minimum of two children. This was non negotiable.
So when Jeremy and I started getting serious and he shared he didn’t know if he wanted kids, and that if he did he wanted 0-1, I almost puked. I cried. I mean, I excused myself to the bathroom to cry privately, but I was devastated. We had a longer conversation which I talk about in the podcast episode about how this was my deal breaker. That this was something we needed to think about (he needed to think about) because I wasn’t going to compromise.
I want a minimum of two children.
I was sick at the idea of not being with Jeremy. I learned so many things from my first marriage, and one of them was how freaking special Jeremy is. I saw it the day I met him. And I was going to lose him. Yet, I knew it would be ok. I knew and know that I deserve the life I dream of. I deserve to have what I want. I am going to have a minimum of two children.
So I ended a marriage for my theoretical children and was now at the precipice of losing my relationship with the most incredible human being I have ever met.
Yada yada yada we got engaged, married, pregnant, and had our first son. Who literally tore my life and my undercarriage in two.
I grieved a lot of things after giving birth to Everett. The birth experience I thought I’d have, my former self, my untainted b-hole, and having another child. How would I ever do this again? Would I be able to do this again physically? Emotionally? Psychologically? I grieved my future second child who I may never have despite desperately wanting.
I know I’m not the only person who has grieved for children they may not have. For many, varied, personal reasons. It took me three years of grief, therapy, medication, movement, discomfort, and determination to get where I am today. Six and a half months pregnant with our second son.
Yea, I said it. Another boy! I didn’t intend not to share that, but somehow forget to share that we are having another boy!
In the episode I talk more about the therapies and therapists, modalities, practices, and all the things that got us here along with some expertly timed jokes and songs and you know I roll. So I invite you to listen. And let me know how this resonates! I love hearing from you.
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO THIS WEEK’S EPISODE!
And remember, I’ve got your back. I’ve got your front. And I’ve got your undercarriage.
Xo, Alissa