Now, you know this about me already, I say a lot of things that catch people off guard.
I say vagina
I say anus
I talk openly about my traumatic birth
People are shocked to hear this is my second marriage
And also that this is my second pregnancy.
I get it. I look so young. But all of these things are true!
And when it comes to a second pregnancy there is a lot of conversation about how it’s harder physically because well, you have a kid to take care of! You’re older! And you’re not naive to the realities of parenting another human. You know what’s coming and you know which fire you’re walking back into. All of this rings true to me. Yet people continue to be surprised this is my second. “This is your first right?”
Maybe it’s because I’m still going to exercise classes. Maybe it’s because while my energy feels low for me, I still have a lot of it (I naturally have a LOT of energy) or maybe it’s because…say it with me…I look so young.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about how this is the second time I’m pregnant, the second time I will give birth, and the second baby I will bring home and raise with Jeremy.
Which makes me think about how this is the second marriage I’ve had, the second person I’ve planned and lived a life with. And how different this marriage with Jeremy is from my first marriage. Which makes me so happy.
When I got divorce I had two hard and fast rules. While dating I was looking for a man who, and I quote, “Has job, is keeping job” and that I will make different mistakes this time. It makes me think of the Seinfeld episode where George does the exact opposite of his instincts and suddenly his life gets so much better. That was me. And it worked for me too.
Not because my ex was so…insert whatever adjectives come to mind, but because I had lived my life checking boxes and taking names, doing what was “right” “expected” “prescribed” for me implicitly and explicitly that I didn’t KNOW what my intuition was, where she lived, and certainly had no idea what she was telling me I mean…did you even listen to the stories I told in episode 66 The Brain Vagina Connection?) So I didn’t have a roadmap, I didn’t have a gps, I had to build one.
What I DID have was a laundry list of things I didn’t want. I could recognize red flags clearly and simply make a different decision. A different mistake. I started actively choosing “Not that.”
And I'm doing that again now.
I don’t know what it’s like to have a peaceful or ideal birth. My birth experience was traumatic. That doesn’t mean it was completely devoid of magic and love and happiness. But all of that occurred and exists under a dark cloud of trauma that I carry with me in the form of PTSD. It’s now been almost 3.5 years since my birth experience and over that time I’ve gained data, information and perspective to have some clarity on what I don’t want.
“Not that” served me very well as I dated myself and other people after my divorce. I know the power of “not that” as since it led me to Jeremy I’m even more into it. So I’ve been applying that to this pregnancy and my plans for birth and postpartum.
I don’t want to handle things myself. I don’t want to handle everything. I don’t want to do it all. I don’t want to feel alone, invisible, or scared.
And while I don’t have the perfect recipe to make everything “perfect” I know what things made me feel how I felt so I’m choosing things that are “Not that.”
While I had TWO base rules for dating after divorce, I have ONE main rule for this postpartum experience. Do you want to know what it is?
If you come over to my house and aren’t here to take care of me, get the fuck out of my house.
That’s it! That’s the rule!
I’m going to do things differently this time. And make different mistakes. I’m not chasing perfection or fairytale or transcendent. I’m creating something different.
So it’s not about being George Constanta and just doing the opposite of what happened last time. But making really intentional and specific decisions, plans, and intentions that result in a different experience.
I go even more in depth in this week’s podcast episode The Second Time Around available on all of your favorite podcasting platforms and youtube.
It’s about not letting my fears, my past, my grief drive the experience. I am strong. I have done this before, faced the fears and worked with not against them to make my dreams come true. I can do it again. I know this because I have the proof!!!!
I’ve got this. And as always, I’ve you too! I’ve got your back. I’ve got your front. And I’ve got your undercarriage.
Xo, Alissa