I have to take a moment to talk about expectations.
You can’t have the holiday season without expectations, right? Or can we?
I recently started sharing publicly that I’m pregnant. I started telling people as soon as I knew (which was before I could take a test) and once I got the positive home test, and after it was confirmed by a doctor. I did not hide this pregnancy for a single moment.
Disclaimer: I fully understand and respect that for some this is not the right choice for many reasons and I am not saying any decision is THE right one, this is simply MY right decision.
And I know I’m not “supposed” to tell people too early in case the pregnancy doesn’t work out. Yet, I am pregnant right now. That is a true fact. And I feel like trash right now. Another true fact. And I am not going to pretend I feel ok, or I’m not about to burst into tears, fall asleep, and throw up at the same time. I’m not going to awkwardly hold onto a glass of wine and pretend to drink it so no one suspects anything.
I know these are the things I’m supposed to do because I did them with Everett and I’m a woman after all. I know the rules!
This dance of how I, Alissa feel about this vs how I, Alissa, am supposed to feel makes me think about when Everett weaned himself. That’s right. This magical kid weaned himself. I was committed to not having a position on nursing. I wanted to do it, but I wanted to be present with Everett and myself and see if it worked for us. Everett has always been an enthusiastic eater and an eager participant so breastfeeding came easily to both of us. I had an oversupply and he seemed to enjoy being waterboarded multiple times a day. Then the pandemic happened and we are together all the time so Everett almost never got a bottle because my boobs were always around.
So why, as Everett started showing me that he was ready to stop, was I suddenly looking for a “position” on nursing?
I suddenly felt like I needed us to keep going. I wanted my body back to myself, but I felt like I couldn’t let go. And why? Because we made it for a year? Slightly past a year?
Now that I opened the door to “extended breastfeeding” or “toddler nursing” I have no choice but to commit another year to it?
I always have a choice. ← A reminder to vote so this can be a true statement.
So I reminded myself that my goal is always to listen to Everett and be honest with myself. I don’t want to push or force either of us in any direction. Ever.
So when our morning routine shifted from sweet cuddly nursing to him basically licking each nipple and then moving on, I took the hint.
Am I doing this right?
WHO TF KNOWS?!
What does doing it “right” even mean? Who decides what is right and what isn’t?
This is some arbitrary idea based on a mashup of external ideas we get from peers, family, religion, celebrities, people who don’t even know me!
Yet, am I letting them influence my life decisions?
So I say yes. I am doing this right. I am doing everything right! Because this all feels aligned to me.
I’m doing my right.
It may not be yours, but that’s cool. Because it’s not yours! It’s mine!
Yours is your right, right?
I spent so much time being so concerned with doing things right and meeting imagined (and some very real) expectations, that I didn't honor myself. As a result, I ended up in a life I didn't want to live. I ended up as a version of myself I didn't want to be.
What I know now is that when I tune into myself and honor my truth, I end up exactly where I want to be.
As we start this holiday season, the end of another difficult year, I take comfort in knowing I stand in my truth. In MY alignment. I know exactly where my vagina is pointing. Do you? In this season how are you honoring your truth? Are you doing what's right for you?
Does this resonate with you? Reply to this email and let me know :)
xo, Alissa
ps. If you’re looking to find, stand in, and own your truth so that you live in your alignment with the unwavering knowledge of where your vagina is pointing, check out Pilates For Your Privates: Click here to build a strong foundation. Click here if you’re pregnant like me and looking to evolve with your body and your body. And click here if you are postpartum and ready to welcome yourself back home to your body.